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Alternate title #1: I spewed all over myself and all I got was this lousy tee-shirt.

Alternate title #2: The best part about those three months when I didn't update is realizing there are good stories I haven't told yet.

I'm wearing the shirt my kind but confused friend gave me when I puked all over myself at her party. I was upstairs making out with one of her guests I had just met, when I felt a sudden queazy feeling in my stomache. Excusing myself, I ran out into the pooring rain, where I slipped on the sidewalk and vomitted on my chest. Kind and confused came following after me. Within an instant it seemed, she had removed my shirt, given me this one, and then loaded my mouth with gum to cover the vomit smell. Helping me up, she pointed me back toward my latest passionate fling and wished me the best. She let me keep the shirt.

I like this shirt; it says "I am the type of guy who can charm a girl into making out with me on a living room dance floor before I even ask her name." It says "I am a fun guy." The best part about it is that I'm the only one who can read it, because it's encoded with words that appear to read "Old Navy Spring Training '99." Normally, I would never wear a shirt that appears to prominently displays a logo like this, but given that this is not actually a logo, but a secret code that reads "I vomitted on my chest and still had sensuous playtime with the sexiest girl at the party" I will allow myself to project the appearance of being a walking advertisement to those who don't know how to read between the lines.