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I was just about to leave for Powell's to find a map, when she messaged me. I was going in that direction, and we were both hungry, so getting a bite to eat together seemed to be the thing to do.

Going over there, I was angry, furious. I never had expressed to her how hurt I am over her leading me on. I told her exactly how I felt about her from the beginning, letting her know my every emotion, showing all of my cards, so that she would know how to play. A guessing game is what I got in return, never knowing if or when anything would happen. All I knew was that she kept on calling me, kept on asking me to go to her place, to hold her as she fell asleep, and then, every single time, pushed me away with remarks about being mixed up, not knowing where she stood.

And I rode to her, no longer hoping that she would eventually want me back, just furious that she didn't. Furious with the new knowledge she had just imparted me that last night, she stayed up all night with a new friend of hers, a guy she had recently met.

I walked into her apartment. There was no smile, no how do you do, no let's get going. she just stood there doing dishes. "I know you, something's wrong." Her words taunted me. I didn't believe that she cared what was wrong. I knew that I really was just somebody to fill up the space when she was too afraid to be alone. I was not the sweet guy she cared for, but could not love as she said I was, I was just the guy who was there.

I was the guy stupid enough to convince myself that I had fallen in love with her.

"You should listen to this song." I did. A bunch of sounds, so what. I didn't care. I just wanted to express what I felt to her, and leave. I didn't want to get dinner with her, even though I had promised. She had promised me a lot of things too; I didn't see half of them.

I tried not to focus my anger at her, but at the situation. I couldn't look at her. Sitting down on the bed, I stared at the floor, at a small, intricately decorated box I had noticed when I walked in. It seemed to have been intentionally left there. It had never been there before, and she rarely leaves things out. I picked it up and examined it.

"That's funny." What's funny? The song? No, she wasn't talking about the song, she was talking about me, she was laughing at me. She wanted me to discover what was inside, but I already knew. Her plan was so obvious, so contrived, and so cruel.

I can read a poker face.

I opened it up. Condoms. I closed it. Why didn't she just leave the used ones dashed across the bedspread? It would have gotten the point across much quicker. I wanted to leave. I thought about leaving right then without a word, but I wouldn't have been able to deal with the laughter I would have heard from her every time I thought of her. I needed to state my case.

"It really hurt me the way you led me on."

"I didn't lead you on."

"You did. I told you how I felt from the beginning. I was always open with you, while you left me reaching for something that wasn't there."

It went on like this for awhile, going nowhere. I don't need to write it, because it writes itself. The whole converation played itself out as predictably as could be. Then she said it, "I feel like I'm in a movie or something. Are you reciting this?"

Ouch. Who could say such a thing? Who could belittle a person's emotions to such a degree? "Don't mock me," I said., and continued expressing how hurt I was that she would do this to me, all because why? I didn't fit into her social circle? I wasn't hip to her bullshit trends? Fuck her. I don't need this.

What I need is to hate her for a little while, just a little while. I need to curse everything she did until I realize how stupid and futile that is, until I realize that this whole mess could have been overted had I simply kept my emotions under control. After that, after I've purged all of this from me, only then can I think about hanging out with her again. I told her this, but not in these words. I told her I needed to distance myself from her. It sounded scripted.

So, I went to Powell's as I had originally planned. I was looking for a trailguide that might tell me how I could bike to the coast from here. I looked all over at the various atlases, but couldn't seem to find one that told me where I wanted to go.

I don't know where I want to go from here, other than out for beers with an old friend, which is what I'm about to do right now.