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I stopped keeping track of the bizarre google searches people have done to get to my diary a long time ago, but there's one that pops up so frequently that it makes me worry.

Almost every single day, sometimes twice a day, somebody finds this diary by doing a search for "how to masterbate." (Quotation marks not entered in the search engine.) This leads me to an obvious conclusion: The supposedly-computer-saavy youth of America has very poor googling skills, but more importantly, are very hard up for some lessons on how to masterbate and apparenlty, they're coming to me for instruction.

Wow! This really puts me on the spot. If they wouldn't have canned Jocyln Elders, I'm sure I wouldn't be in this situation right now. Sure, I'm a virtual virtuoso performer on my own skin flute, and my manual manipulation of the female anatomy has also received rave reviews, but that in no way prepares me to educate people on the subject.

So if you've come here looking for instruction, all I can say is that it really is something that you've got to learn on your own (or with a close friend.) But, whatever you do, don't go to XXXchurch.com, unless you plan on sending these wackos some hatemail, or getting me a "Jesus Loves Pornstars" sticker.

And furthermore, it's masturbate, with a u, not masterbate, but I've made that mistake before too.