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I've decided to make money the old fashioned way.

The old-fashioned way is, of course, drinking the things people hold at arms length and say "I'll give ten dollars to anybody who will drink this." So far, I've only had one client, but I'm hoping that after an amazing perfomance with the Kalua-infested concoction I consumed last night, word of mouth will get around, and people will be calling me non-stop to get rid of liquids which, despite being made of perfectly sanitary parts, don't seem to be fit for human consumption. Who knows, maybe if I hit it real big on the I'll-give-you-ten-dollars-to-drink-this circuit, I'll be contacted by the I'll-give-you-fifty-dollars-to drink-this people, and there's no telling how big it could get from there.

But I probably shouldn't think that far ahead. I'm just gonna stay cool, go with the flow of cottage-cheese like substances that I poor down my throat, always dreaming of that perfect drink that sends me soaring to fame. After that, corporate sponsors will be paying me big bucks to put their logos on everything from my ass-cheeks to the piles of vomit I produce after drinking 20 straight tequilla shots. That's right, I'm going to sell advertising space on my vomit. Reserve yours now.

Of course I'm not in it just for the money, or the free booze. These are nice perks, but what it's really all about is the new levels of inebriation you can reach after drinking a cup of numerous types of alcohol, and the taste, not of the beverage itself, but of all the people who's faces and body parts I licked on the way to the floor.