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7121536
I stopped by the newspaper office at my school today, every step of the way preparing myself for imminent rejection. The door was locked, nobody in sight to open it. I imagined the new hires in the back room, celebrating the small victory they just made by landing a job working for peanuts in the most pathetic student publication I've ever read. A pathetic publication that wouldn't hire me as a writer; I guess I didn't have enough ass kissing experience. I walked back home, still not knowing for sure whether or not i was hired, but I felt it in my gut when I woke up this morning. I felt it last night. I felt it when I submitted my writing sample, and I felt it in the initial interview. I've been preparing myself for failure my whole life, and that's probably why I fail so easily at everything. On the way back, I turned and walked in a direction I had never been before, up into the west hills. I passed through switchbacks, climbing up up up, finding visions of portland I had never seen before. The higher I climbed, the more down on myself I became, and the universe became such a bundle of nothingness in my mind that my own pursuits just felt pointless. I guess life is pointless, but I kinda like that feature. Whoever thought up that design deserves a promotion. It's pointless and open for people to form philosophies, opinions, and all that other bullshit that creates conflict within societies and individuals. If life had an instruction manual, I would have lost it by now. If there was meaning to our existance, I would be rather bored with it. Wait a second, am I reassuring myself with nihilism? Quote the pixies, "where is my mind?" I didn't know where I was going, but I was determined to find a way out of the hills that was different than the way I came in. I just thought if I'm being rejected today, I might a well get a good workout to burn off some frustration. A few miles later, I was 100 yards from where I deviated from my path, and then walked staight home. Back home, I distracted myself with IMs to a friend of mine in Vancouver, BC: Tony says:
hey
Emily says:
Hey Tony
Emily says:
how's life? Emily says:
happy canada day! Tony says:
absurd
Tony says:
life, that is, not canada
Tony says:
the more I wait, the more I think I didn't get the job. Emily says:
:( Tony says:
I don't know, I'll remain optimistic
Tony says:
maybe they're still debating it themselves Emily says:
call them back then Tony says:
I went down there, the office was locked
Tony says:
hmmm.... have phone number, somewhere..... Emily says:
i'm sorry i'm super busy right now
Emily says:
gotta talk later
Emily says:
working on my mom's paper Tony says:
oh yeah, tell me about that
Tony says:
how is it coming
Tony says:
what is it about?? Emily says:
it's coming....
Emily says:
slowly
Emily says:
problems with formats Tony says:
is this like a newspaper, or... what is it? Emily says:
yup newspaper
Emily says:
esl people Tony says:
writing about BC events? Emily says:
i mean for esl people
Emily says:
news stories basic ones Tony says:
ok Emily says:
i'm sorry i'm being short
Emily says:
but i'm working on it right now Tony says:
you've always been short, I've never cared. Emily says:
i meant short in my sentences Tony says:
I know, I was trying to antagonize you and distract you from your work, aparently it's not working, shortie. Emily says:
just saving a pdf as a jpeg at top rez
Emily says:
i'm such a comp. geek
Emily says:
i'm saving at 300dpi
Emily says:
it wouldn't save at 600dpi
Emily says:
i should make up my own language Tony says:
who would speak it? Emily says:
me Tony says:
how do you say "kiss me slowly" in your own language? Emily says:
stop distacting me or i won't talk at all :P (at this point the phone rings. I knew who it was, and what the outcome of the conversation would be before I answered it. The following few sentences are the reason I put this IM here, sorry about all the filler, I've been meaning to introduce Em into my journal for some time now, and the fact that she was working on a newspaper at the same time I was getting denied employment at one seemed like another good example of the absolute failure my life has become, and therefore relevant.) Tony says:
I just got a call
Tony says:
I just opened a beer
Tony says:
the voice on the other end was rather unenthused
Tony says:
the beer is a "woe is me" beer rather than a "congratulations to me" beer
Tony says:
are you putting these clues together?
Tony says:
this really frees up my summer
Tony says:
to find a job
Tony says:
I didn't want to work for that stupid paper anyway.
Tony says:
k;znf.lnjkbadfvjkladfbkl'njz
Tony says:
s;jljkf
Tony says:
ok, bye Emily says:
:(
Emily says:
i'm sorry babe Tony says:
I'm not having a good day anymore.
Emily says:
i know life sucks sometimes
Emily says:
but hey you get to the bottem and then it's all up afterwards Tony says:
to the top of the slide, then you get to the bottom, and I see you again?
Tony says:
do you, don't you want me to love you?
Coming down fast from miles above you.
Tell me, tell me, come on, tell me the answer.
Well, you may have the rhythm, but ain't no dancer. Emily says:
uh ok Tony says:
Helter Skelter
Tony says:
Oooooo
Tony says:
Helter Skelter
Tony says:
Well, you may be a lover, but you ain't no dancer....
Tony says:
sorry, you started the song. Emily says:
of course therefore it's my fault Tony says:
it's a Beatles song, it's actually the one Charles manson cites as the reason he went crazy, but it's just a song
Tony says:
When you get to the bottom, you go back to the top: that's the line that reminded me of it....
Tony says:
but I wouldn't say it's your "fault"
Tony says:
I would rather thank you for putting that song in my head, because I really need to sing right now
Tony says:
sing the blues, that is.
Tony says:
I wish I had a copy of it Emily says:
aww
Emily says:
and then there's alanis's song Tony says:
NOOOOOOOOOOO Emily says:
"Head over Feet"
Emily says:
I couldn't help it....
Emily says:
it's all your fault... Tony says:
stay back, evil one
Tony says:
I'm walking up there to kill you. starting now.
Tony says:
I'll have plenty of homicidal drive to get me there, as long as that song stays stuck in my head
Tony says:
now I understand how a song can make somebody go crazy, this Charles manson thing is starting to make sense now. Emily says:
lol
Emily says:
write a story about it Tony says:
I've been alternating between typing sentences to you and then typing a few sentences of a story about my day. these are the sentences I just typed to you. Emily says:
lol
Emily says:
ok i'm outta here...the paper is now at the printers!!!!
Emily says:
easyenglishnews.com
Emily says:
that;s some of it
Emily says:
the site's not complete
Emily says:
more work on that this week Tony says:
Now that you showed me yours, I guess I should show you mine Emily says:
hehe sure
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