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Last night I could not sleep. In the early hours of the morning I worked on lying completely still and trying to hear nothing but my heart, and then gave up and performed little tasks in an attempt to make myself tired. In the process I drank 9 beers. I didn't get to sleep until around 10 a.m. At that time, I was thinking of going to get coffee and calling off the sleep thing altogether, but I found myself unable to move or lift my eyes.

When I slept, I had a nightmare. I've been having a lot of them lately, but this one was particularly disturbing. It was of the same theme as all of my other recent bad dreams, but taken a few degrees further. I'm still amazed at the cruelty my former roommates and friends were capable of. One in particular really stands out. I stood up for her when everyone else on campus was saying bad things about her behind her back. I fostered a sense of respect for her among all the other members of the student group we were in and convinced them to elect her as the chair. I sat down with each and every one of them individually and convinced them why she was the best person for the position. They elected her. Four months later, I was sleeping on her couch, then in the spare bedroom when her roommate moved out. Then, she forced me into situations that made me want to leave and stole my bass guitar before I could move my stuff. I got it back. I've told that story before.

The rest of the story goes like this: I'm so shocked that somebody who I cared so much about could turn around and treat me like this that I don't trust anybody anymore. I have frequent nightmares about being deceived by those closest to me, sometimes even killed. I've stopped calling everybody. For awhile, I was picking and choosing who I might still want to communicate with, but it seems that I have no skill for judging people. Of all the people I wrote about in my previous entry, I would consider 2 of them to be people I trust completely, but even then I find myself questioning this certainty. I've stopped calling everyone. I only go out when somebody goes out of their way to invite me. Or, I meet new friends for one night and never see them again. I'm supposed to call a beautiful, intelligent girl I met last week, but I really don't feel like making the effort to get to know anybody right now. I've learned to appreciate my time alone. I believe I'm almost immune to loneliness.

I do have one problem, though. I drink. A LOT. This morning, when I woke up from my nightmare, most of my limbs numb from lying beneath my twisted torso all night, I decided I would stop drinking. This is the first step toward taking control of my life again. Because, I am putting too much emphasis on what these aquaintances think of me, and then killing this obsession with alcohol. If I can do without the alcohol, I know I'll start putting a lot more effort toward my other goals. The past few days have given me the most amazing ideas for what to do with my life--how to live without squandering my potential, but first, I need to learn to live without drinking.

As of this sentence, I have not had a sip of beer in twenty one hours and fourteen minutes. I walked four miles around Portland just to keep my mind off drinking. I know it's not that hard. I don't need to drink. I'm not depressed. I'm not even that upset with my life; it's other people's lives that upset me.

I've noticed I'm only typing to get my mind off drinking. I never used to like beer this much.

I just might go buy myself a drink.

Update: All of my thoughts are now constricted by 48 oz. of Pabst Blue Ribbon. I only planned on drinking 40 oz, but I waited so long that once I got to the store to purchase my beer, they had sold out of my beloved 40 oz. bottle for the evening, so I bought a six-pack of tall boys. I don't see what's so wrong with drinking all the time anyway. Tomorrow, I'm going to tackle that list of priorities first thing in the morning. If I work hard, then I'll have three cans of beer waiting to congratulate me at the end of the day. If I screw up, then I'll have three cans of beer waiting to comfort me at the end of the day.