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I just want to dream of amnesia and wake up as a different person. Stop the world, I want to get off. If I had a girlfriend, she'd think I hated her right now. I have so much nothing to say. I'm lonely, but I'll only snap at you if you talk to me. My body is a mess. Disheveled mass of limbs and torso makes me hurt. I don't know about this pain. Do I want it to subside, or am I discontent with the fact that I haven't neared my threshhold? I want it to become so overbearing that I have to cry out all night, finding pleasure in the discomfort of those around me. My head is not where I put myself right now, and the music cannot find my mood. Shaking, shaking shaking for nothing else to do. Palahniuk is starting to make a lot of sense right now. I want to beat myself up. I have a boxcutter, does that frighten you? I wish I could purge this damaged self from my body and get on with living.

The thought has occured to me that I just need to get laid. I bet I could if I ever tried. I get flirty glances from a good percentage of girls I encounter in just about any situation, but talking to people is dumb. I don't even masturbate anymore. I don't think I have enough imagination for it.

Last time I remeber going to a party, I sat in the corner and told myself stories about the people in the room. A girl came over, very drunk, and interrupted my train of thought. She was attractive, my age, and trying to impress me for some reason. It was a very large couch we were sitting on, but she couldn't seem to be able to sit down without having half of her little body right on top of mine. It's not that I didn't consider fucking her right there, it's just that I was still trying to keep that original train of meaningless thought going. Eventually she left me alone, but not without giving me her number. I never called her. Like I said, talking to people is dumb. The friends I was with haven't wanted to hang out with me ever since then, probably because they got turned down by every girl at that party.

Yes, I realize I'm more than a little bit messed up.