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Actually, that wasn't the only thing that happened to me yesterday. Another event has been festering in my mind; I just haven't known exactly how to feel about it.

A friend that lives in my building called to tell me that he was in Boston, detoxing at his uncle's house. Apparently, he had been using heroin more and more regularly while I was away, until he overdosed on the 26th. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to feel pitty for him, because I was angry with him for using that shit. Even though I don't believe he'll stay, I told him that I was happy that he was getting clean. I told him that I was opposed to him using heroin. I told him that he shouldn't need to hear me say it, that I don't want to nag him about it.

I didn't know what else to say. I didn't know what those words meant to him. I've been wondering why he has recently been saying to me "tony, I'm messed up, I've been out of control, I need to get help," and then turning around and saying to his next friend "hey, let's get some cocaine." How can I help him? I'm not a 12-step program. I like drugs as much as he does. The only difference between us is, I set limits for myself, and then I don't cross them.

I don't do heroin. I've done almost every other drug, but I refuse to ever let myself get wrapped up in that. Drugs are all fun and games until you start sticking needles in your arm. (here's where I start to sound like DARE ad) That's when it takes over your life. I've been able to take crystal meth, cocaine, and ketamine without any problems stopping (well, ketamine was hard, but only because it always took so long to do all of it, but that's another story.) Heroin, on the other hand, is no weekend adventure. I don't know anybody who has ever done heroin a few select times and then quit for good, there are always serious repercussions. Either you spend the rest of your life bitter and hardened by the knowledge that you were defeated by, and still fighting the adiction to a substance, or you end up like one of those methadone patients who's entire life revolves around the stuggle to hold on to the next day. I know, this isn't first-hand knowledge. There are other cases, but when you use heroin, you're running the risk of significantly altering the outcome of all future events in your life.

Basically, what I wanted to say to him was:

What is wrong with you? Do you think you're special? Do you think that you have some sort of license to fuck yourself up and make other people worry about you? Is the high really so good that you don't care about these things? Are you willing to die because of this drug? Nobody wants to see that happen to you, and it better fucking not, but if you continue to stick needles in your arms, you're already dead. You're not who you used to be. I can see you fading away, but I know you can come back. I know you've been through some rough times in your life. Most people in this hemisphere would never have to experience the things you've been through. But, that doesn't mean you can do this to yourself. If I could, I would physically stop you from ever shooting up again, but I don't want to be a part of your cry-for-help drug use cliche. You're better than this, now snap the fuck out of it. Everyone within a two-block radius of here (and that's a lot of people) loves you, and they all want you to snap the fuck out of it, because we want the old you back.

I said that for myself more than anybody else. I doubt he would have responded well had I said that to him. On the other hand, maybe he would have. If you have any experience with these kinds of things, let me know.