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I always think it's gone, that it's never going to come back, and now it's here again. The only way I can function is to tell myself it's all over, just a phase I passed though, and there will be no more episodes, but here it is again.

I'm curling over the keyboard, typing this as fast as I can. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be at a party. "Everybody wants to see you," she said, "it will be fun." I'm sure it will be fun, and I do want to see people, but I'm having an anxiety attack. I took my medication, the maximum dose allowed. If I wasn't sedated by those pills, I'd be going fetal right now, overwhelmed by all of my responsibilities, and convinced that the outside world was engaged in a conspiracy to make sure I fail. I could do without these delays in my life. I don't want to feel like this right now.

Who am I right now? I have to ask myself this question. I've physically shifted in my brain from the person I was a few minutes ago. I want to go back. I need to breathe.

Snap out of it, or explore farther--I have to ask myself this. What do I have to learn about myself from the way I am feeling right now. Do I feel sad? angry? depressed?

I'm angry. I'm angry that my life with be ruled by these antisocial actions that I don't mean to perform. Maybe if I left an hour earlier, I wouldn't have had the episode, and I would not have convinced myself that I want to stay home, but that's not going to do me any good right now.

I really do suffer from panic attacks. When stress builds up too high, I start feeling it in my arms, a burning pain. my fingertips go numb, my chest gets heavy, and I shake all over. it can last minutes or hours, but it's always acompanied by self-loathing.

I decided to play a game with myself, having the anxiety part of me talk to the motivated part of me, and see what they would say. This is the dialougue:

Self, why do you want to stay home.

I have things I need to do before tomorrow afternoon, things to do before school starts. I should be doing them now.

but you've been procrastinating all day, why not have a good time tonight, and then you can do everything tomorrow.

I don't want to put them off anymore.

But, you've been putting them off all day. why would you want to do homework on the saturday before classes start.

You know the situation. I have an incomplete in journalism that i need to make up before classes start this term. I have a few more assignments to turn in.

And you have plenty of time to do them tomorrow, they're already finished anyway.

all but one. I should get started now.

you're too tired to work right now, you should go drink.

I don't want to go to that party. Come on, neither of us do.

It would be fun, and there will probably be cute girls there. Maybe what's her name will show up, she likes us.

she might like you, but I'm not welcome there.

these people aren't like that, you'll love it.

no, and that's final.

you already have your coat on, just walk out the door and give it a chance. if you don't want to be there, we'll come back home.

let me think it over.

you've been thinking it over for hours now.

yeah, but i was getting ready the whole time.

it took you two hours to get ready? this isn't a wedding. what preperation was needed?

just give me a second, okay......

And I thought it over. In the length of time it took me to urinate, I decided that I might as well go out for some food. If I'm feeling up to it later, I'll go to the party. I hope it's not dead by the time I arrive. If not, It will be going on for a lot longer.

I could eat here. I really am rather tired. There's always more parties. Besides, I really am not well right now.

This happens all the time, I've just mever typed out the experience before. I'll be fine tomorrow.