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Earlier today (also known as yesterday) I received the strangest friendster message ever. It was from a girl I knew over four years ago, while I was living in Los Angeles for the first time. I was well aware she was on friendster, through only two degrees of seperation, but I never bothered to do so much as look at her profile, because, as is the case with most anybody I haven't talked to in over a year, I assumed that they would stay in the past and never resurface.

The timing of this message was especially odd, because last night I had a small panic attack, and had to ride it out by staying up until dawn writing about every single major panic attack I've ever had. I originally planned to post what I wrote here, but decided not to, because in the end I realized I wrote it only for me. This seems to be a theme in many of my panic attacks; I'll feel exposed and vulnerable, and in reaction, I will reveal something about myself that makes me even more exposed and vulnerable. This time I revealed it only to my own computer, but in the past, I've spilled my guts out in phone calls that I should never have made.

This girl received one of those phone calls. I revealed more to her than I have to anybody else in my life, all in a state in which my heart raced and my limbs twitched uncontrolably. She didn't say much in response, and afterwards, after the episode was over, I felt so embarrassed that I almost ceased all conversation with her. I had assumed that anybody who knew that much about me would hate me, but I guess I was wrong, I guess people can get to know me, and still think highly of me, even if I ignore them for four years.

Most people that I know today, I never even attempt to make clse bonds with. Even my neighbors who will stop by at 3 a.m. just to shoot the breeze, even they don't get to hear anything about what's going on in my mind beyond my most vapid thoughts. Even my roommate gets left out on most of my thoughts. But this girl, who I revealed everything to in a moment of chemical imbalance, decides to find me four years later just to say hi.

This makes me feel good, not only because of the feeling of being accepted, but also becasue I have a terrible lack of friendster friends. It's pathetic really.