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These visits are becoming pure heartache. She asked me to come over almost every single day last week. I obliged, because I love seeing her, but the uncertainty of the defenition of "us" is getting to me.

Last time I visited, I held her until she fell asleep, and then continued to lay there holding her. We had avoided all conversations about what is going on, because we've already run them in circles a thousand times.

I didn't realize she was asleep when she asked me if I wanted to stay over. This confused me, because she had specifically stated that she didn't want me sleeping over at this point. She quickly awoke and changed her mind, which led to a short moment of confusion. I got up and packed my things to leave, but before I could open the door, she stopped me.

Her half-asleep, almost in tears description of her recent relationship history streamed out like a gushing wound, and filled in all of the details I had missed earlier. She sat down on a speaker, I on a chair. Between us was the door, still closed. I sat in that chair for almost half an hour, slumping further and further while she articulated her position more clearly as to just exactly how certain she was of being absolutely uncertain of everything. She asked, but I didn't need to tell her my side, she had already told it to me. I don't want to be lead on, I need to know where this is going. I want to love her.

I didn't leave then. We spent a little bit more time laying in bed, saying almost nothing. It was 4 a.m. at this point, and I almost fell asleep. When I did leave, she gave me a kiss as sad as it was soft. I gave her one back.

I didn't ride my bike home. I walked it all the way down to the river, then across the Broadway Bridge, pacing as slow as I possibly could, just letting the reality sink in, that maybe this whole mess will never work out. Maybe I'll have to take what I've learned about myself from this experience, and then chart the whole thing up to just one more heartache. Maybe I'll have to let go and move on from here.

On the other side of the bridge, the sun made the whole world alive again. I rode.