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Am I enjoying life? I keep on asking myself this, so I think the answer is--I don't know. I really don't. Los Angeles has the ability to inspire great calm and sucidal thoughts simultaneously. I haven't met anybody like me since I got here, whcih isn't unusual, because I never feel like I fit in anywhere, but this is different. Everybody I've met here has managed to do something so incredibly cool with their life, and all I can say is "I like trees and bicycles." Nobody understnads. You never see somebody smiling while riding a bicycle in L.A. In fact, I never believe that any of these people ever smile. Of course, most of the residents here practice curving the ends of their lips toward their foreheads, but it isn't smiling, it's a code that means "I want you to beleive that I can do something to bolster your level of wealth/coolness/social status." Of course, that's just a guess. I don't really know the code. All I know is that I don't believe anything I see on anybody's face anymore.

So why am I here? Is this job so great? Well.... yes. And no. Yes, because eventually, I'm sure I'll be able to establish connections to get work doing something fun involving pro-audio/pro-video or something. No because, I'm not sure that I want to do that. And If I did, I know I wouldn't want to do that forever.

And what is it that I do exactly? I'm the shipping manager for a small business that services the macintosh computing needs for a shitload of studios in Hollywood. Basically, I put things in boxes and send them to people. Sometimes I repair hard drives or install RAM in people's computers. Sometimes I even get to take apart PowerBooks piece by piece and put them back together. This is my favorite part of the job, and once I find somebody else to put things in boxes, I hope to do more of that.

Maybe I can even do my older brother's job someday, but I'll probably go another path before I am able to learn everything he knows. He's the onsite technician, so he goes into the studios whenever their shit breaks and they don't know how to fix it. Sometimes he does this on our way home from work, and I have to sit around and wait for him while he attempts to fix a network problem, or a pro-tools rig, or whatever. Sometimes this involves a lot of waiting around on my part, trying not to stare directly at the gold records on the wall so as not to look like an out of place peon, having awkward conversations with the people that pass by. "Hello, why you're a famous person aren't you? Oh, how splendid; I am not a famous person."*

All in all, I suppose I should go ahead with my original plan of learning as much as I can about everything I can, but everything is so intimidating, and maybe I should just find one area and stick to it, because you've got to specialize to be successful--I think.

I wish I was in Portland, but I wouldn't know what to do there either. I should take more pictures.

*Not an actual conversation, only a dramatization.